The Stories I'll Tell....

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Sun, 26 May 2013 00:54:38 -0700

occvpied: I will write about the following, leave one in my ask box. Dear person I hate,Dear person...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:52:58 -0700

I will write about the following, leave one in my ask box.

Dear person I hate,
Dear person I like,
Dear ex boyfriend,
Dear ex girlfriend,
Dear ex bestfriend,
Dear bestfriend,
Dear *anyone*,
Dear Santa,
Dear mom,
Dear dad,
Dear future me,
Dear past me,
Dear person I’m jealous of,
Dear person I had a crush on,
Dear girlfriend,
Dear boyfriend,
Dear [insert URL here],

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Sun, 26 May 2013 00:51:47 -0700

jonnovstheinternet: imnotarealfuckingpirate: After I retired,...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:46:48 -0700

jonnovstheinternet:

imnotarealfuckingpirate:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury’s. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury’s…

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are “documented by our video
surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ’ Mission Impossible’ theme.

11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

13. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

14. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’

One of the Staff passed out.

OMFG I AM SCREAMING.

So good

How Animals Eat Their Food

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:44:13 -0700

How Animals Eat Their Food

bendydicks: theunbreakablev0w: keeptheliealive: jeremyrenner-and-supernatural: in ten years...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:26:48 -0700

bendydicks:

theunbreakablev0w:

keeptheliealive:

jeremyrenner-and-supernatural:

in ten years there’s going to be a wide range of children named after fictional characters

2023 kindergarten class:

“your name’s Castiel?? No way, that’s my name too!”

i’m planning on being a teacher, and if this really happens i will have otps seated with each other in the seating charts

i promise

that is actually really beautiful

The tiny boat against the ship deserves a reblog!

captorquest: one time in freshman year my biology teacher was teaching us about chromosomal...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:26:18 -0700

captorquest:

one time in freshman year my biology teacher was teaching us about chromosomal disorders and apparently some women can have three X chromosomes and she went to go look up some pictures of what some women afflicted with this condition look like. unfortunately my teacher typed in “XXX females” and that worked about just as well as you’d expect

onlythefunnieststuff: Edgar Allan PoohFollow this blog for the...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:23:54 -0700

onlythefunnieststuff:

Edgar Allan Pooh
Follow this blog for the best new funny pictures every day

leisurelyy: OH MY GOD WE WERE TAKING NOTES IN CLASS AND THERE WAS A LOUD THUD AND I TURN AROUND AND...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:23:23 -0700

leisurelyy:

OH MY GOD WE WERE TAKING NOTES IN CLASS AND THERE WAS A LOUD THUD AND I TURN AROUND AND ALL I SEE IS THIS

???????? ???? ?? ????????????? ?

THEY WERE TRYING TO RUN A CABLE FROM THE ROOM NEXT DOOR THROUGH THE CEILING TO OUR ROOM AND THIS KID GOT STUCK UP THERE I AM SO FUCKING DONE RIGHT NOW JESUS TAKE THE ENTIRE VEHICLE

iwontgiveupforeverandever: (1) Facebook on We Heart It....

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:21:36 -0700

iwontgiveupforeverandever:

(1) Facebook on We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/58821892/via/kct415

snorlaxlovesme: so i cleared my throat today and and then someone poked me in the side so I...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:18:17 -0700

snorlaxlovesme:

so i cleared my throat today and

and then someone poked me in the side so I laughed

and THEN I FUCKING SNEEZED

and that’s what it’s like being on the second day of your period

i hope this has been educational

Had to re read this. Knowing you were in your period

monochrome-teddybear: foxwolf333: You scream I scream we all...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:16:46 -0700

monochrome-teddybear:

foxwolf333:

You scream I scream we all scream for cocaine

We will never speak of this again

ihumpedyourcatthen: Whenever my dad opens the microwave to take out food he screams and I thought...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:15:37 -0700

ihumpedyourcatthen:

Whenever my dad opens the microwave to take out food he screams and I thought it was because he was burning himself but I’ve learned it’s just because he gets really happy about food

That’s going to be me with kids

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Sun, 26 May 2013 00:13:19 -0700

the-absolute-funniest-posts: baconnnnnnn: back to 99...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:12:54 -0700

the-absolute-funniest-posts:

baconnnnnnn:

back to 99 problems

This post has been featured on a 1000notes.com blog.

OH NY FUCKING GOFD I JUST WALKED PAST A SCARY CRAZY OLD MAN AND HE SCREAMED IN MY FACE “I CAN SEE...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:10:59 -0700

OH NY FUCKING GOFD I JUST WALKED PAST A SCARY CRAZY OLD MAN AND HE SCREAMED IN MY FACE “I CAN SEE YOU LOVE THE INTERNET I CAN TELL BY YOUR DEAD EYES” I WAS SO SCARED IS IT REALLY TAHT OBVIOUS OMF HELP

hungarian: if there’s a watermelon there should be an earthmelon, a firemelon, & an airmelon

Sat, 25 May 2013 12:50:05 -0700

hungarian:

if there’s a watermelon there should be an earthmelon, a firemelon, & an airmelon

doctorspockspaceman: carolineflickerman: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT...

Sat, 25 May 2013 12:48:28 -0700

doctorspockspaceman:

carolineflickerman:

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD MAKE THIS PHOTOSET

DO YOU ENJOY THE TEARS YOU’RE MAKING PEOPLE SHED NOW

DO YOU

NOPE

jakemalik: drops food on floor germs: go get it! quick! king germ: no.. we must wait 5 seconds.....

Sat, 25 May 2013 12:46:23 -0700

jakemalik:

*drops food on floor*

germs: go get it! quick!

king germ: no.. we must wait 5 seconds.. it is the rule

Being sick in Elementary: Yay home from school chicken noodle soup and movies

Sat, 25 May 2013 12:45:10 -0700

Being sick in Elementary: Yay home from school chicken noodle soup and movies

Being sick in high school: OH MY GOSH I'M GOING TO MISS A MATH NOTE AND THEN GET BEHIND IN ENGLISH AND THEN I'LL HAVE LATE MARKS OFF MY PRESENTATION AND I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL BECAUSE I'M GOING TO FAIL EVERYTHING AND DIE ALONE UNEDUCATED AND OLD AND NOT KNOWING HOW TO GRAPH A PARABOLA

The Stories I'll Tell....

Photo

occvpied: I will write about the following, leave one in my ask box. Dear person I hate,Dear person...

Photo

jonnovstheinternet: imnotarealfuckingpirate: After I retired,...

How Animals Eat Their Food

bendydicks: theunbreakablev0w: keeptheliealive: jeremyrenner-and-supernatural: in ten years...

captorquest: one time in freshman year my biology teacher was teaching us about chromosomal...

onlythefunnieststuff: Edgar Allan PoohFollow this blog for the...

leisurelyy: OH MY GOD WE WERE TAKING NOTES IN CLASS AND THERE WAS A LOUD THUD AND I TURN AROUND AND...

iwontgiveupforeverandever: (1) Facebook on We Heart It....

snorlaxlovesme: so i cleared my throat today and and then someone poked me in the side so I...

monochrome-teddybear: foxwolf333: You scream I scream we all...

ihumpedyourcatthen: Whenever my dad opens the microwave to take out food he screams and I thought...

Photo

the-absolute-funniest-posts: baconnnnnnn: back to 99...

OH NY FUCKING GOFD I JUST WALKED PAST A SCARY CRAZY OLD MAN AND HE SCREAMED IN MY FACE “I CAN SEE...

hungarian: if there’s a watermelon there should be an earthmelon, a firemelon, & an airmelon

doctorspockspaceman: carolineflickerman: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT...

jakemalik: *drops food on floor* germs: go get it! quick! king germ: no.. we must wait 5 seconds.....

Being sick in Elementary: Yay home from school chicken noodle soup and movies

jakemalik: drops food on floor germs: go get it! quick! king germ: no.. we must wait 5 seconds.....